Saturday, August 20, 2016

Hospital / Sairaala

.So here I am again.., at the hospital and being "treated" for pain in my back and the lack of function in my muscles and nerve system, and the ability to use my left leg from toes to hip.

There has also been problems in my left arm and fingers and actually my whole body. Even my eyelids are blinking how ever and when ever. It is like I am not the boss over my body.

I try to keep up the good spirit but some days it is extremely hard. And then I start to think positive things from my life and also keep reminding me of my goals and how I wan't to live in the future.

Keep Dreaming and Planning,
in case you didn't know,
Dreams do happen!


Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Pictures from this Springer 2016

Summer is Coming!!
I spent this morning at my close garden. I enjoyed the birds singing, bunnies were jumping here and there and also some squirrels. One of the magnolia trees has already bloomed and the other one is almost starting to open the flowers. My dogs love this garden, they would spent the whole day there if they just could..but because of me they can't.. haha

At the end of this month I am going on a cruise with my aunt. We are heading to Stockholm, Sweden. I can't wait for that. It's been couple of years since I went there..and actually it was with my ex and some of his friends that happened to be on that same cruise..and therefor the romantic couples trip changed in to something totally different and didn't help our relationship at all. So, my advice is: If you go on a holiday with your partner and there happens to come some of your friends too, make sure you spent time without your friends too. Relationships need work.

Here are some of the latest cupcakes I made. Chocklad-Orange with Vanilla-orange topping. Yummy! 

Here is the recepie:


2 eggs
250g melted butter
1 oranges juice
chocklad flour
(chocklad chips)


150g melted butter
floured sugar
vanilla extract
grated orange skin
1 tbs orange juice

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Paintings on my wall

Art by Liini Laes (Brigitte Pardot)

Art by Liini Laes (Vivian Leigh)

Mirror showing the other, newest, painting of  Vivian Leigh by Liini Laes.


So it must be clear to you all that I have been neglecting my blog for a long time...again.. Well, I have had maybe the hardest time ever, because of my health and the ability to cope with life due to the illness. I am going through a difficult time with depression and I really mean it with the BIG D. 

I had to put the studies on hold, only because my body could not cope with work load and I was leaving behind on every area. And the pain that I go through every day was the main reason and also the fact that my legs didn't carry me..I was literally f**ked up by the situation. And then the depression came with a big bang. 

Firs I was trying to deny it. I was trying to convince myself that there was no such thing at all and if there was I could totally work it out by myself... Well, the fact is that thinking like that can carry you for some time but what it really does to you is that the depression will just get worse. For me it got that bad that I created some kind of  a block or like the actors creates different character roles, I created one for me. I was trying to be something I really wasn't, taking more work load on my shoulders than I was actually able to handle. That meant that first everything went ok, I was able to work out things with the studies and my business and my private life (paying bills and doing normal stuff). But, little by little it started to crumble down and didn't even realize it myself. Only when I realized I was in big troubles, due to not being able to do and deliver the "home work" for studies, not being able to pay the bills of my business (insurances and others) that kept on coming and which I had not cancelled, when I got unfit to do the work and also when I was not able to cope with normal life. I really felt that I wanted to die, like I had no reason to be here and that I was nothing. That is when I got scared because I knew the next step would be starting to figure out how to end my life. That is when I called to health care and said I needed help and luckily I got an appointment to see a doctor and we started to plan regular meetings and other activities that would support my mental rehabilitation. 
Now I know, there might be someone who are thinking that it isn't that easy.. and you are kinda right. The first time it happened to me, I didn't ask help because I was so ashamed of myself and the thoughts I was going through, and I ended up trying to take my life. But, I was lucky and I am still here. 

I wanted to tell you this just to say, that I really know what people with depression might go through. To everyone the depression is one of a kind and unique even though the illness has the same name and meaning but the symptoms are different to every person and how they experience them are just so deep and awful as they experience them. And when you have depression it doesn't mean that it will always end up to the point where the person is thinking about how they can end up their lives. Sometimes you recover from it easier but sometimes it hits hard. 

What I have now learned is that I acknowledge the feeling inside and what it means when I am getting closer to the point of wanting to die. And I have to force myself to ask help because I know where it will lead if I will not do so. There for, my advice if I should even say it to be an advice but anyway...I'm just saying that talk to your closest ones about depression and that you have one OR that you have had depression before. And also be open about how bad it can go and about the symptoms that you feel and about how you start to act when you are going through the phase of getting a depression. That way you can make sure that you have a safety net of people who/ what you can use when your world starts to crumble down. 

No one should go through depression by them self even that the emotions involved are the ones everyone has to deal personally. 
Make sure you have a number where to call when you need help from the health care because most likely you are not gonna have the strenght to find that number from somewhere when you are feeling the worst. For me maybe the most important thing or things have been to learn to acknowledge the first symptoms and feelings before and when things are getting worse. 
Being open about depression and not talking about it less than it really is teaches people to realize what depression means, what it is and how you can cope with it and rehabilitate from it. I mean, people got to tell the harsh truth and  how it is for you, how it makes you feel about everything.

Depression does not define who you are, you define what it mean for you. Depression is personal and unique situation for everyone who is going trough it.

Now, I am at the point when I am not thinking about ending my life but I am still feeling on "regular basis" that I have no reason in this life or maybe better way is to say that I haven't still quite figured out what it is. As you can read, it is quite hard to tell how I feel because sometimes I just have no  words for the feeling. It's like, I'm not sure how I feel..and it is part of the illness, but it is ok to feel so. 
I got to this point by fighting back to the shitty feelings and kinda fighting back with myself too. Depression means that I have to focus all the strenght I can find inside myself to fight against the emptiness inside me. It also means I need people around me that are able and willing to help and support me. And if you are now thinking that you have no one like this, you gotta be open about your situation and you will be surprised to find out that there are people that want to help you! You just have to be willing to let them do that. 
Do not try to cope all by yourself, it will destroy you at the point where you feel alone and helpless, ashamed and disappointed, angry and frustrated. Those are the feelings I have gone through now when I have depression and I even have been at the point when I feel like I have no feelings at nothing matters. BUT even then, if I have started to think about how I feel deep inside, I have started to find some real feelings that the depression has silenced. 
I have now gone to see a doctor and a psychologist to talk about my depression and now we decided that I will start to go to some group meetings where I can start to learn how to be with other people and learn communicate with them and so on. 
The hardest thing for me, on this journey, has been the fact of allowing my self to feel depressed and not feeling ashamed about it and that it is ok to feel these feelings of helplessness, acknowledge that I don't always have to be the one who is holding up all the others or coping with all the workload I have. 
We human seem to have this general feeling that we always have to be strong, no matter what and showing your weak points is a big tabu. It should not be like this. The modern world is just too much and we human are a bit fools not realizing that we are not robots. By doing every day more and more, faster and faster we are just digging the hole to fall into for ourselves. We should learn to stop and listen to ourselves and our inner voice or inner feelings and be hones to ourselves about our abilities. 

Btw it is now 03:07 am when I am writing this. I actually woke up at 01:30 am and I felt that I had to write this now, right now and not in the morning. I hope, I will be able to write here more and daily..but at this point I can not and I will not make that promise, because I allow myself to recuperate day by day and not taking any more pressure than I already have. I am allowing myself to be as I am and who I am and how I feel. I am learning to know who I am and what makes me happy and content. I want to start loving myself again and love life again and I also want to find the purpose I have in this world.

Oh yeah, this I still have to share... I saw my "little brother" and his family. He and his wifey have this adorable little boy and got to spent some time with him. I was able to put him to sleep by singing a song and just being there for him, while his mummy and daddy spent some quality time together. I was in heaven, that was my "therapy". I got to think why I felt so good and I got to the conclusion that I felt that I had a purpose and I was able to help. Also, as I have felt for many years, that I'd wish to become a mum, spending some quality time with this little guy, eased the pain that I feel of not having a baby of my own.. I'm sure you understand what I mean.. I love him and I want to be the best aunt he can have. So you see, I have even one more purpose now to stay in this world and that gives me hope and happiness. 

It is now 03:55 am and now I will go back to sleep, feeling content about my self and maybe a bit proud too to be able to deliver these feelings and thoughts to you all. Love yourself... 

xoxo Suz

The hardest time of my life

So, I'm here again to write you about my life and about my thoughts. I started the cosmetology studies last year in January and now, one year later I feel exhausted and empty and full of pain. But somehow I managed to go through the studies that were planned. It was not easy, nor without painful moments or depression. But still I learned a lot. Yet, it would have been perfect if I could have done all the customer service hours that was planned. Those are the hours I still lack from the goal and I'm behind my classmates. 

Why so? 

Well, the short way to explain is that my health has been so poor. Even right now, I am lying in my bed and haven't been up more than 30 minutes today. The only reason is, that I've been having such a crushing pain in my back and leg that walking feels like someone was stabbing you in your lower back and the other leg just doesn't move like you want to. And it doesn't stop there, I feel nausea and my head aches and there are some kind of problems in my sight. At one point I can see clear and suddenly I can't, this keeps happening continuously until it stops and then after some time starts again. Gladly I have my loved pets around me and also sleeping on my legs like Serafina at this very moment. Here is a pic of her. 
Serafina is a petite cat whit a grand personality. 
I adore her. 
She's so clever and knows how to make me walk by her will.. 
well not really, but she does try that.

My pets are the only cure that keeps me really going on. I mean, they keep doing silly things, and watching them play is such an entertainment. I have had many laughs because of my pets and that is a fuel for anyone, laughter.

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Excellent sites for Makeup, other Cosmetic and for Bijoux Beauty Organizers

I have some good sites from where it is easy to buy cosmetics but also home decorations as well as some electrical equipment.

This firs one is the kind where you will become as a member after buying the first time. First 30 days are free and after that the membership costs less than 10€. And believe me the cosmetic products from known brands are prized incredibly low. You have to see it to believe it! 

This product is normally 82€. NOW you can have it, with less than 20 euros!

One thing I am going to order from them is Maybelline False Feather Mascara. If it normally costs 20 euros and I can have it paying only 5 euros, I'd be crazy not to buy it. There are also many other products as well, and I can then show you them and show how to use them.

Then another site I recommend you to check out is

There you can find brands that are not sold in Finland, at least not yet. One of these brands is Kim's, Khlóe's and Kourtney's Kardashian Beauty. I was surprized, that their cosmetic products are quite high prized compared to other brands that have even better know products. But maybe that is the reason. I'd love to test their cosmetic too, to know what kind of quality they really are.

Professional Blush Palette less than 20 euros.

One thing every woman or a man, who wears makeup need, is a place where to keep all the makeup and other cosmetics and beauty products like jewlery. So, I started to look for good sites where to buy these acrylic boxes that seems to be Must have -products.

Here is one good site

Bijoux Beauty Box acrylic, only 18,80 euros.

I should buy some of those, but as I am going to Stockholm this spring, I might buy the organizers from there. If not, this is the place I recommend. As you know, Bijoux is a quality brand.